I’m just a plainspoken Colorado criminal defense lawyer, but the way I see it…
[List not-so-loosely based on recent Supreme Court public censure of a judge in my neck of the woods]
- Remark about how incredibly wealthy your court collections officer would be if he were worth his weight in gold.
- Notice one of your jurors is one hot lady, discover she’s a dancer, then ask her to do a (fortunately not lap) dance during a lull in the proceedings.
- Whisper an aside to your court clerk, “Would you look at the size of those things.”
- Try to boost an attorney’s confidence and comfort level by telling her she looks great, just great, and privately ponder how she’d look in a swimsuit.
- Comment from the bench to two other female attorneys, who may or may not be attractive, about their “pearl necklaces,” while wiggling your eyebrows up and down.
- Invite a female public defender in to your chambers to share pictures of her vacation with you, then complain that none of them show her to best advantage in a swimsuit.
- Quiz a potential clerk about how she would handle a defendant who asked her, “Hey, what’s with the panties?”
- Insinuate yourself into plea negotiations because the lawyers are just no goddamn good at it.
- Give defendants advice and pep talks to cheer them up. Remind them they might be in the Eighteenth Judicial District instead, where the DA is a monster.
- Offer advice to a minor how to avoid peer pressure to drink alcohol by faking that she’s drinking, but fail to explain that cops can’t tell the difference.