Top Ten Things Not To Do When You’re a Judge

I’m just a plainspoken Colorado criminal defense lawyer, but the way I see it…

[List not-so-loosely based on recent Supreme Court public censure of a judge in my neck of the woods]

  1. Remark about how incredibly wealthy your court collections officer would be if he were worth his weight in gold.
  2. Notice one of your jurors is one hot lady, discover she’s a dancer, then ask her to do a (fortunately not lap) dance during a lull in the proceedings.
  3. Whisper an aside to your court clerk, “Would you look at the size of those things.”
  4. Try to boost an attorney’s confidence and comfort level by telling her she looks great, just great, and privately ponder how she’d look in a swimsuit.
  5. Comment from the bench to two other female attorneys, who may or may not be attractive, about their “pearl necklaces,” while wiggling your eyebrows up and down.
  6. Invite a female public defender in to your chambers to share pictures of her vacation with you, then complain that none of them show her to best advantage in a swimsuit.
  7. Quiz a potential clerk about how she would handle a defendant who asked her, “Hey, what’s with the panties?”
  8. Insinuate yourself into plea negotiations because the lawyers are just no goddamn good at it.
  9. Give defendants advice and pep talks to cheer them up. Remind them they might be in the Eighteenth Judicial District instead, where the DA is a monster.
  10. Offer advice to a minor how to avoid peer pressure to drink alcohol by faking that she’s drinking, but fail to explain that cops can’t tell the difference.

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