Top of the World, Ma

I’m just a plainspoken Colorado criminal defense lawyer, but the way I see it…

Attorney Regulation be damned, I’m just going to say this right out: I’m the best criminal defense lawyer in Colorado. And not only in Colorado, but in these United States. Maybe in the world.

I know this, and can safely advertise so, because I’ve got the documentation to prove it.

The National Academy of Criminal Defense Attorneys, Inc. wrote in November pleased as punch to inform me I’ve been chosen for “this year’s prestigious Top 10 Attorney Award for the state of Colorado.”

Hard on the heels of that good news came this month even better news that Best Attorneys of America has selected me as — that’s right — a Best Attorney of America — and this one’s for life. Not only that, but I also get to be a Best Law Firm of America for just a few dollars more (oh, yeah, I’ll get to that in a minute). And it turns out that the American Association of Premier DUI Attorneys has “hand selected” me (sounds a little dirty) a founding member from which lesser attorneys may derive inspiration, or at least bask in my reflected glory.

I’ve won these exalted top spots variously for my “hard work and dedication” (guilty), my “extraordinary level of legal expertise, competency, professional reputation and ethical standards” (guilty), and general gullibility (wait a minute). Best of all, just like at the dentist, there’s free stickers. I can put them on my website to prove how good a lawyer I am (the best).

The honors themselves are slightly bigger ticket items, as I found after reading to the bottom of the page on each. My Top 10 Attorney Award has a $350 “Award Administration Fee,” with a whole lot of administratin’ going on, seeing as it’s an annual fee. My Lifetime Best Attorney of America sets me back $1000 — a much better deal assuming I live long enough; I’ll do my best to continue to be worthy of the thing. My Premier DUI Attorney membership is a mere $399 a year — I’d have to be high not to accept that.

In other words, for a few billable hours I can forego all that hard work and dedication that got me here.

Of course, eventually Attorney Regulation is gonna catch on to these schemes, and I’ll probably be forced to admit there may be a few lawyers out there at least as good as me, and have to give back my plaques, trophies, and website stickers.

But there’s one honor I’ll give back only when they pry it from my cold, dead hands.

World’s Greatest Dad.