I’m just a plainspoken Colorado criminal defense lawyer, but the way I see it…
Near as I can tell, these are the key things to know about the new Republican President’s members of the Cabinet (with thanks to NBC News):
Vice President Mike Pence
- Master of the steely-eyed gaze, though CNN and other top fake news outlets report it’s probably the result of a medical condition.
- Persuaded Syrian refugees they’d like Illinois much better than Indiana.
- Treats gays no better and no worse than any other lesbian, bi, or transgender pervert.
- Converted to Republican Party after listening to Ronald Reagan, though because he was only a teenager when he heard Reagan say, “By golly, I’m the richest man in six counties,” he might not have understood Bedtime for Bonzo was only a movie.
- Never did become a billionaire anyway.
Secretary of State Rex Tillerson
- Personal friend of President Putin, so knows his way around presidents.
- No government or public service experience, so he knows his way around our President.
- Only half a billionaire (though who knows how much he’s got in Russia).
Secretary of Defense James Mattis
- Marine general, but retired, so isn’t sure it’s “Oorah!” or “Rahoo!”
- Wishes President Trump would call him “Mad Dog” maybe only every other time.
- Agrees with Congress that civilian control of military just a silly old cornerstone of American democracy.
- Disagrees with President and Tillerson that Russia isn’t really a threat but more of a business opportunity.
- The “Warrior Monk” is a mere millionaire.
Secretary of the Treasury Steven Mnuchin
- Knows almost as much about going bankrupt as his new boss.
- Said he would make sure any issues about the President’s foreign debts would go away as soon as possible.
- Gained a lot of good experience by foreclosing on loads of active-duty military families.
- Hopes that will make up for otherwise no government experience.
- Barely worth three hundred million dollars.
Attorney General Jeff Sessions
- Can’t understand those Democrats who think he won’t defend minority groups just because he never has before.
- Thinks LGBTQ folk already have way too many protections and letters.
- All those racist comments he made when running for judge were just because he didn’t really want the job.
- Another near pauper with six million bucks to spend.
CIA Director Mike Pompeo
- Not really in favor of waterboarding, though might bring it back for old times’ sake, but would like to hear more about those “other torture things” the President mentioned.
- Agrees Russians interfered with U.S. election, but how else you gonna explain what happened?
- Support for mass surveillance of everyday Americans made him the perfect candidate for top spy.
- Keeping his net worth a secret, just to prove he can keep a secret.
Secretary of Commerce Wilbur Ross
- When asked about his public service, asked, “What’s public service?”
- Never met a subprime mortgage he didn’t like.
- Perfect for overseeing bankruptcies.
- Billionaire, natch.
Secretary of Health & Human Services Tom Price
- Would implement Republicans’ Obamacare replacement plan, if only they had one.
- Says the health care industry legislation he sponsored or co-sponsored during alleged insider trading deals were just forty-four lucky coincidences.
- Promises to give everyone access to health care, even if they can’t actually get any.
- Two-figure multimillionaire.
Secretary of Transportation Elaine Chao
- Already been in Labor, time to get moving.
- Is there no one who doesn’t like this person?
- Oh, wait…she’s married to Mitch McConnell.
- This person is a saint.
- She’s got twenty-four million dollars, but it’s not her fault: her dad was a shipping magnate — another reason she’s perfect for Transportation.
Secretary of Education Betsy DeVos
- Already agreed to do the job before learning it had something to do with public education.
- Felt better when realized she’d be able to get the public to pay for private schools.
- Felt even better when somebody suggested she might even de-fund public schools altogether.
- Came perilously close to a principled stand the other day.
- Yup, billionaire.
Secretary of Homeland Security John Kelly
- Retired Marine four-star general.
- Goes where no military man has gone before.
- Must keep straight face while implementing the President’s immigration proposals.
- Don’t tell Trump, but thinks the idea of walling off Mexico hilarious.
Secretary of Veterans Affairs David Shulkin
- Promoted from Undersecretary of Veterans Affairs.
- First Trump guy unanimously approved.
- Actually a real doctor, if not a real veteran.
- A millionaire, but only just.
U.S. Ambassador to the United Nations Nikki Haley
- Pledged to speak up when she disagrees with President Trump, but then heard he’s going around firing people who disagree with him.
- Relieved to learn the President doesn’t really talk much with his Cabinet anyway.
- Would have warned him about that two-state Israel/Palestine thing if Trump really did talk much with his Cabinet.
- Doesn’t support a Muslim registry, but may have thought they were talking about a wedding registry.
- Not even two million dollars.
Administrator of the EPA Scott Pruitt
- Sued the EPA more times than Elizabeth Taylor sued for divorce.
- Promises to reconsider his crusade to destroy the EPA.
- Believes the climate changes, but people can’t do anything about it.
- Loves oil.
- Really, really loves oil.
- Five million dollars at best.
Budget Director Mick Mulvaney
- Tea Party guy, welcome to the T Party.
- Would rather shut down the government than increase the budget, and brother, shutting down the government sounds good to me lately.
- Forgot to budget pesky payroll taxes for the nanny, but promises to do better with the national purse.
- Three million Washingtons.
Administrator of the Small Business Administration Linda McMahon
- Literally the only appointment the President has wrestled over.
- Been trying to get to Washington for years, but failed in two Senatorial bids.
- Donated five million dollars to the Donald J. Trump Foundation, millions more to Republican candidates.
- Co-founder of World Wrestling Entertainment — fake sport.
- Ten years ago, her husband, Vince, “wrestled” Donald Trump, using seconds, the winner of the match to shave the loser’s head. Because it was a fake sport, Donald won.
- They called it the Battle of the Billionaires.
- They’re all still billionaires. There are more to come.
If only Vince had won, and shaved Donald’s stupid orange hair, who knows?