Cabinet of Adorables


I’m just a plainspoken Colorado criminal defense lawyer, but the way I see it…

Near as I can tell, these are the key things to know about the new Republican President’s members of the Cabinet (with thanks to NBC News):

Vice President Mike Pence

  • Master of the steely-eyed gaze, though CNN and other top fake news outlets report it’s probably the result of a medical condition.
  • Persuaded Syrian refugees they’d like Illinois much better than Indiana.
  • Treats gays no better and no worse than any other lesbian, bi, or transgender pervert.
  • Converted to Republican Party after listening to Ronald Reagan, though because he was only a teenager when he heard Reagan say, “By golly, I’m the richest man in six counties,” he might not have understood Bedtime for Bonzo was only a movie.
  • Never did become a billionaire anyway.

Secretary of State Rex Tillerson

  • Personal friend of President Putin, so knows his way around presidents.
  • No government or public service experience, so he knows his way around our President.
  • Only half a billionaire (though who knows how much he’s got in Russia).

Secretary of Defense James Mattis

  • Marine general, but retired, so isn’t sure it’s “Oorah!” or “Rahoo!”
  • Wishes President Trump would call him “Mad Dog” maybe only every other time.
  • Agrees with Congress that civilian control of military just a silly old cornerstone of American democracy.
  • Disagrees with President and Tillerson that Russia isn’t really a threat but more of a business opportunity.
  • The “Warrior Monk” is a mere millionaire.

Secretary of the Treasury Steven Mnuchin

  • Knows almost as much about going bankrupt as his new boss.
  • Said he would make sure any issues about the President’s foreign debts would go away as soon as possible.
  • Gained a lot of good experience by foreclosing on loads of active-duty military families.
  • Hopes that will make up for otherwise no government experience.
  • Barely worth three hundred million dollars.

Attorney General Jeff Sessions

  • Can’t understand those Democrats who think he won’t defend minority groups just because he never has before.
  • Thinks LGBTQ folk already have way too many protections and letters.
  • All those racist comments he made when running for judge were just because he didn’t really want the job.
  • Another near pauper with six million bucks to spend.

CIA Director Mike Pompeo

  • Not really in favor of waterboarding, though might bring it back for old times’ sake, but would like to hear more about those “other torture things” the President mentioned.
  • Agrees Russians interfered with U.S. election, but how else you gonna explain what happened?
  • Support for mass surveillance of everyday Americans made him the perfect candidate for top spy.
  • Keeping his net worth a secret, just to prove he can keep a secret.

Secretary of Commerce Wilbur Ross

  • When asked about his public service, asked, “What’s public service?”
  • Never met a subprime mortgage he didn’t like.
  • Perfect for overseeing bankruptcies.
  • Billionaire, natch.

Secretary of Health & Human Services Tom Price

  • Would implement Republicans’ Obamacare replacement plan, if only they had one.
  • Says the health care industry legislation he sponsored or co-sponsored during alleged insider trading deals were just forty-four lucky coincidences.
  • Promises to give everyone access to health care, even if they can’t actually get any.
  • Two-figure multimillionaire.

Secretary of Transportation Elaine Chao

  • Already been in Labor, time to get moving.
  • Is there no one who doesn’t like this person?
  • Oh, wait…she’s married to Mitch McConnell.
  • This person is a saint.
  • She’s got twenty-four million dollars, but it’s not her fault: her dad was a shipping magnate — another reason she’s perfect for Transportation.

Secretary of Education Betsy DeVos

  • Already agreed to do the job before learning it had something to do with public education.
  • Felt better when realized she’d be able to get the public to pay for private schools.
  • Felt even better when somebody suggested she might even de-fund public schools altogether.
  • Came perilously close to a principled stand the other day.
  • Yup, billionaire.

Secretary of Homeland Security John Kelly

  • Retired Marine four-star general.
  • Goes where no military man has gone before.
  • Must keep straight face while implementing the President’s immigration proposals.
  • Don’t tell Trump, but thinks the idea of walling off Mexico hilarious.
  • Millionaire.

Secretary of Veterans Affairs David Shulkin

  • Promoted from Undersecretary of Veterans Affairs.
  • First Trump guy unanimously approved.
  • Actually a real doctor, if not a real veteran.
  • A millionaire, but only just.

U.S. Ambassador to the United Nations Nikki Haley

  • Pledged to speak up when she disagrees with President Trump, but then heard he’s going around firing people who disagree with him.
  • Relieved to learn the President doesn’t really talk much with his Cabinet anyway.
  • Would have warned him about that two-state Israel/Palestine thing if Trump really did talk much with his Cabinet.
  • Doesn’t support a Muslim registry, but may have thought they were talking about a wedding registry.
  • Not even two million dollars.

Administrator of the EPA Scott Pruitt

  • Sued the EPA more times than Elizabeth Taylor sued for divorce.
  • Promises to reconsider his crusade to destroy the EPA.
  • Believes the climate changes, but people can’t do anything about it.
  • Loves oil.
  • Really, really loves oil.
  • Five million dollars at best.

Budget Director Mick Mulvaney

  • Tea Party guy, welcome to the T Party.
  • Would rather shut down the government than increase the budget, and brother, shutting down the government sounds good to me lately.
  • Forgot to budget pesky payroll taxes for the nanny, but promises to do better with the national purse.
  • Three million Washingtons.

Administrator of the Small Business Administration Linda McMahon

  • Literally the only appointment the President has wrestled over.
  • Been trying to get to Washington for years, but failed in two Senatorial bids.
  • Donated five million dollars to the Donald J. Trump Foundation, millions more to Republican candidates.
  • Co-founder of World Wrestling Entertainment — fake sport.
  • Ten years ago, her husband, Vince, “wrestled” Donald Trump, using seconds, the winner of the match to shave the loser’s head. Because it was a fake sport, Donald won.
  • They called it the Battle of the Billionaires.
  • They’re all still billionaires. There are more to come.

If only Vince had won, and shaved Donald’s stupid orange hair, who knows?


Subscribe to our e-mail newsletter to receive updates.

One Response to Cabinet of Adorables

  1. Josh Lambrose 6 March 2017 at 10:46 am #

    Seems legit..

Leave a Reply