Drunk & Disorderly

On the Docket of a Colorado Criminal Defense Attorney

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Bill O’Reilly Suffers Fatal Stroke

I’m just a plainspoken Colorado criminal defense lawyer, but the way I see it…

“By ratings standards,” the Murdochs say today of the King of Cable News who liked to masturbate to the sound of sexual harrassment (his own), “Bill O’Reilly is one of the most accomplished TV personalities in the history of cable news.”

No word on how he ranked by social standards. None at all.

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Lies, Damned Lies, and Donald Trump

Hal Holbrook Looks Pretty Much Like My Uncle Sam


I’m just a plainspoken Colorado criminal defense lawyer, but the way I see it…

There is no fool like an April fool, and I went to see one today. I don’t mean Hal Holbrook, the magnificent ninety-two-year-old actor who for the past sixty-three years has made his living channeling my multiply-great uncle Sam Clemens, whom many people recall as Mark Twain.

Mr. Holbrook performed “Mark Twain Tonight” in Denver. Tickets to his performance were a gift from my children, who thought their old dad, and significantly younger mom, ought to at last see this inspiring portrayal of the distant relative (grandmama was a Clemens) he’d bragged on all their growing years.

Mark Twain talked and wrote a lot about politicians, so it wasn’t surprising that Hal Holbrook would speak to his Denver audience about politicians, and he did. He talked about the President of the United States.

“No high-minded man, no man of right feeling, can contemplate the lumbering and slovenly lying of the present day without grieving to see a noble art so prostituted,” he lamented.

Piling on, he said, “I think the President is clearly insane in several ways, and insanest upon war and its supreme glories. I think he longs for a big war wherein he can spectacularly perform as chief general and chief admiral, and go down in history as the only monarch of modern times that has served both offices at the same time.”

Well, this was just too much to bear for one Trump voter in the audience, who interrupted the performance to shout from his seat, “Where’s Mark Twain?”

In the age of Trump, heckling of the old, the lame, and the less-than-seven-on-a-scale-to-ten is enjoying a big comeback. But to answer that boor’s question, Mark Twain was right there in front of his eyes. What that April fool didn’t understand, because stupidity is the close companion of boorishness, is that Hal Holbrook was reciting the words of Mark Twain, who had the great good fortune never to meet the forty-fifth President, but had met the twenty-sixth: Teddy Roosevelt.


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I’m just a plainspoken Colorado criminal defense lawyer, but the way I see it…

Where I practice law, until 2012 it was a felony to commit the kind of libel Donald Trump committed when he falsely accused Barack Obama of wiretapping the billionaire liar.

The idea that the former President would even want to do such a thing to the now current-President kind of tickles the silly-meter.

How, for starters, could anyone begin to evaluate the credibility of the “intelligence” gleaned there, if that’s using the right word for anything that goes on in Trump Tower.

What Trump says under the influence of Kentucky Fried Chicken is about as valuable as what most people might say under the influence of torture — though I may have just recollected the same thing twice.

The New York Times put a meter on the man last September and found he lied on average about thirty-one times a week. And that’s just the whoppers he told in public.

Every President has lied. I don’t believe that story about the cherry tree for one damn second. But this is the first President who is supporting a whole cottage industry of people gamely trying to keep up with the count of the lies he tells. And, like the man himself would say of the New York Times, failing.

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Supreme Being

Chief inJustice of the Supreme Court Merrick Garland


I’m just a plainspoken Colorado criminal defense lawyer, but the way I see it…

President Donald Trump has every Constitutional right to nominate whomever he likes to the Supreme Court. So did President Barack Obama.

In both instances, the Senate of the United States had every Constitutional obligation to advise and consent to or veto those nominations.

The Senate unconstitutionally refused to do its duty in the case of Obama’s nomination of Merrick Garland. The executive branch of our government — perhaps from hubris, or a failure of imagination to see that, disgusted with politics, the American people would take short-sighted revenge and elevate a television buffoon to the Presidency — declined to sue the legislative branch for that dereliction.

Now the high court chickens come home to roost in yet another revolting display of the bipartisan hypocrisy we’re wholly accustomed to see ooze all over these D.C. barbecues.

Neil Gorsuch is eminently qualified to be a Supreme Court Justice of the United States.

He’s just not the Justice to replace Antonin Scalia that, had the Senate any actual respect for the Constitution, the American people deserved. Maybe next time, but not this time.

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Cabinet of Adorables


I’m just a plainspoken Colorado criminal defense lawyer, but the way I see it…

Near as I can tell, these are the key things to know about the new Republican President’s members of the Cabinet (with thanks to NBC News):

Vice President Mike Pence

  • Master of the steely-eyed gaze, though CNN and other top fake news outlets report it’s probably the result of a medical condition.
  • Persuaded Syrian refugees they’d like Illinois much better than Indiana.
  • Treats gays no better and no worse than any other lesbian, bi, or transgender pervert.
  • Converted to Republican Party after listening to Ronald Reagan, though because he was only a teenager when he heard Reagan say, “By golly, I’m the richest man in six counties,” he might not have understood Bedtime for Bonzo was only a movie.
  • Never did become a billionaire anyway.

Secretary of State Rex Tillerson

  • Personal friend of President Putin, so knows his way around presidents.
  • No government or public service experience, so he knows his way around our President.
  • Only half a billionaire (though who knows how much he’s got in Russia).

Secretary of Defense James Mattis

  • Marine general, but retired, so isn’t sure it’s “Oorah!” or “Rahoo!”
  • Wishes President Trump would call him “Mad Dog” maybe only every other time.
  • Agrees with Congress that civilian control of military just a silly old cornerstone of American democracy.
  • Disagrees with President and Tillerson that Russia isn’t really a threat but more of a business opportunity.
  • The “Warrior Monk” is a mere millionaire.

Secretary of the Treasury Steven Mnuchin

  • Knows almost as much about going bankrupt as his new boss.
  • Said he would make sure any issues about the President’s foreign debts would go away as soon as possible.
  • Gained a lot of good experience by foreclosing on loads of active-duty military families.
  • Hopes that will make up for otherwise no government experience.
  • Barely worth three hundred million dollars.

Attorney General Jeff Sessions

  • Can’t understand those Democrats who think he won’t defend minority groups just because he never has before.
  • Thinks LGBTQ folk already have way too many protections and letters.
  • All those racist comments he made when running for judge were just because he didn’t really want the job.
  • Another near pauper with six million bucks to spend.

CIA Director Mike Pompeo

  • Not really in favor of waterboarding, though might bring it back for old times’ sake, but would like to hear more about those “other torture things” the President mentioned.
  • Agrees Russians interfered with U.S. election, but how else you gonna explain what happened?
  • Support for mass surveillance of everyday Americans made him the perfect candidate for top spy.
  • Keeping his net worth a secret, just to prove he can keep a secret.

Secretary of Commerce Wilbur Ross

  • When asked about his public service, asked, “What’s public service?”
  • Never met a subprime mortgage he didn’t like.
  • Perfect for overseeing bankruptcies.
  • Billionaire, natch.

Secretary of Health & Human Services Tom Price

  • Would implement Republicans’ Obamacare replacement plan, if only they had one.
  • Says the health care industry legislation he sponsored or co-sponsored during alleged insider trading deals were just forty-four lucky coincidences.
  • Promises to give everyone access to health care, even if they can’t actually get any.
  • Two-figure multimillionaire.

Secretary of Transportation Elaine Chao

  • Already been in Labor, time to get moving.
  • Is there no one who doesn’t like this person?
  • Oh, wait…she’s married to Mitch McConnell.
  • This person is a saint.
  • She’s got twenty-four million dollars, but it’s not her fault: her dad was a shipping magnate — another reason she’s perfect for Transportation.

Secretary of Education Betsy DeVos

  • Already agreed to do the job before learning it had something to do with public education.
  • Felt better when realized she’d be able to get the public to pay for private schools.
  • Felt even better when somebody suggested she might even de-fund public schools altogether.
  • Came perilously close to a principled stand the other day.
  • Yup, billionaire.

Secretary of Homeland Security John Kelly

  • Retired Marine four-star general.
  • Goes where no military man has gone before.
  • Must keep straight face while implementing the President’s immigration proposals.
  • Don’t tell Trump, but thinks the idea of walling off Mexico hilarious.
  • Millionaire.

Secretary of Veterans Affairs David Shulkin

  • Promoted from Undersecretary of Veterans Affairs.
  • First Trump guy unanimously approved.
  • Actually a real doctor, if not a real veteran.
  • A millionaire, but only just.

U.S. Ambassador to the United Nations Nikki Haley

  • Pledged to speak up when she disagrees with President Trump, but then heard he’s going around firing people who disagree with him.
  • Relieved to learn the President doesn’t really talk much with his Cabinet anyway.
  • Would have warned him about that two-state Israel/Palestine thing if Trump really did talk much with his Cabinet.
  • Doesn’t support a Muslim registry, but may have thought they were talking about a wedding registry.
  • Not even two million dollars.

Administrator of the EPA Scott Pruitt

  • Sued the EPA more times than Elizabeth Taylor sued for divorce.
  • Promises to reconsider his crusade to destroy the EPA.
  • Believes the climate changes, but people can’t do anything about it.
  • Loves oil.
  • Really, really loves oil.
  • Five million dollars at best.

Budget Director Mick Mulvaney

  • Tea Party guy, welcome to the T Party.
  • Would rather shut down the government than increase the budget, and brother, shutting down the government sounds good to me lately.
  • Forgot to budget pesky payroll taxes for the nanny, but promises to do better with the national purse.
  • Three million Washingtons.

Administrator of the Small Business Administration Linda McMahon

  • Literally the only appointment the President has wrestled over.
  • Been trying to get to Washington for years, but failed in two Senatorial bids.
  • Donated five million dollars to the Donald J. Trump Foundation, millions more to Republican candidates.
  • Co-founder of World Wrestling Entertainment — fake sport.
  • Ten years ago, her husband, Vince, “wrestled” Donald Trump, using seconds, the winner of the match to shave the loser’s head. Because it was a fake sport, Donald won.
  • They called it the Battle of the Billionaires.
  • They’re all still billionaires. There are more to come.

If only Vince had won, and shaved Donald’s stupid orange hair, who knows?

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