Drunk & Disorderly

On the Docket of a Colorado Criminal Defense Attorney

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The New Meaning of America


I’m just a plainspoken Colorado criminal defense lawyer, but the way I see it…

Thank you, Mr. President, for your clear vision of your new immigration policy for the United States of America, on behalf of the scores of thousands of immigrants who put their lives on the line in the U.S. military to protect your right to harm them and their families.

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Presidential Brutality


I’m just a plainspoken Colorado criminal defense lawyer, but the way I see it…

During his campaign for the Presidency, Donald Trump repeatedly urged supporters to rough up the protestors who dogged his trail.

So I suppose it’s no surprise that, speaking yesterday to police in Long Island, he urged them to random acts of brutality against the suspects they encounter. No surprise, but not a thing you like to hear from a President of the United States. Not some of us, anyway.

The officers arrayed behind him laughed and smiled, perhaps in embarrassment, but it made for a ghoulish image. Have the police really been just waiting for a leader of the free world who happens also to be a cheap thug?

Don’t be too nice to your suspects, Trump said. Let ‘em bang their heads when you throw them in the back seat of a police car. Pay no attention to the laws, which are stacked against you.

Better advice? Pay no attention to this President.

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Top of His Class

The President trying to remember how many fingers go into a salute.


I’m just a plainspoken Colorado criminal defense lawyer, but the way I see it…

Does winning the boob vote obligate someone to act as Boob in Chief? Donald Trump appears to think so (if “think” isn’t too strong a word).

His freshest (at least until tomorrow) idiocratic move is to ban transgender persons from serving “in any capacity” in the United States military. It calls into question the service of perhaps two thousand to ten thousand transgender persons now serving. President Trump has likely saluted a few of them guarding his golf courses and pimp palaces, using a technique he aped from the movies, diligently having avoided any military service of his own. With this act he now offers the one-finger salute that comes far more naturally to him, while mouthing “thank you for your service.”

Get ready for hilarious exaggerations about the “billions” of dollars this is going to save the nation, and the radical improvement to the readiness of the military to deploy to any and all of the combat theaters this President will blunder us into given half a chance.

Only a month ago the United States Secretary of Defense, who actually knows something about the military and supports transgender individuals joining, said he needed “at least” six months more to determine whether that service might somehow impact it negatively. Mr. Trump couldn’t wait that long to throw another bone to his base.

But like gays and their long-time ban before, transgender persons too have served honorably and courageously as patriots, without the “disruption that transgender in the military would entail,” as the President claims.

The history of sexual disruption in the United States military hasn’t been about personal identity, but rather about people like the President himself, who embrace sexual assault as a lifestyle choice.

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Heil to the Chief

This is NOT the Boy Scout Jamboree


I’m just a plainspoken Colorado criminal defense lawyer, but the way I see it…

President Donald Trump has mixed up the Boy Scouts of America with the Hitler Youth.

Appearing at the quadrennial Boy Scout Jamboree, Trump talked Realpolitik to children, while rallying them to boo persons ridiculously better than he. He demanded their loyalty, and even thanked them for their votes, apparently unaware children don’t yet have the vote in this country. (Is there anything about the structure and functioning of the United States government of which he is NOT unaware?)

The Hitler Youth, but not the Boy Scouts, were expected to swear fealty to their Führer.

The Hitler Youth, but not the Boy Scouts, could be roused to denounce all former leaders before the Führer.

The Hitler Youth, but not the Boy Scouts, may have been impressed by a man boasting about his crowd sizes, and his man sizes, when in fact neither are impressive.

The Hitler Youth, but not the Boy Scouts, could forgive the fact that their Führer was a mean little boy dressed in the garments of a fully grown man.

President Donald Trump, presiding over an ever-deepening swamp he pretends to drain, told the Scouts, “I’d much rather be with you.”

So would we, but here’s the thing:

He’s not worthy of the Boy Scouts.

He’s probably not even worthy of the Hitler Youth he mistook them for.

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None Dare Call It…


I’m just a plainspoken Colorado criminal defense lawyer, but the way I see it…

18 U.S. Code 2381 says anyone who owes allegiance to the United States, yet helps its enemies harm the nation, is guilty of treason. Russia hacked the U.S. election. Donald Trump helped, going so far as to beg them on international television to do it.

The question now: do we really have to kill him for it?

Treason is just one of the forty-plus federal laws that carry the death penalty. Arguably it’s not the only capital crime he’s committed. His immigration policy has certainly resulted in the deaths of aliens (8 U.S.C. 1324). He’s destroyed aircraft (18 U.S.C. 32-34). His plans to dismember health care may take the lives of thousands — maybe scores of thousands (18 U.S.C. 241, 242). He leaks classified information to spies while serving them cake (18 U.S.C. 794).

He’s a very bad boy.

If someone kills a journalist because the President of the United States has called the Fourth Estate the enemy of the people and repeatedly tweeted suggestions that news folk should be beaten senseless, he might be charged with 18 U.S.C. 1716. (Well, to be fair, that one could likely only be raised by a prosecutor with the stunningly flexible intelligence of, say, someone like Jay Sekulow.)

It seems increasingly likely that 18 U.S.C. 2332a may come into play if we get many more tweets about North Korea. And the President virtually promised during the campaign that he is more than willing to put himself at risk of 18 U.S.C. 2340A.

He’s a very, very bad boy.

But, let’s not kill him. Let’s not even lock him up. Let’s just send him back to The Apprentice, or the Miss Universe Pageant, or Access Hollywood, or anyplace the man feels comfortable in his creepy orange skin, among similarly low-minded rich white trash.

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